Toddler Tactic #8 - Acknowledge and Validate Emotions

I've saved the most powerful and in my opinion, the most important Toddler Tactic for last.

When a child gets hurt, our first response is usually to pick them up and say, "oh, you're okay" in an attempt to calm them as quickly as possible and urge them to get over whatever unpleasantness they are experiencing.  Upon reflecting on this practice however, I've come to realize that it really does little to comfort the child or to help them through the emotions they are feeling. If you stubbed your toe, would you rather your friend say, "oh, you're okay" or "ouch, that must have hurt!"  I would feel taken aback at the former while the latter would leave me with the feeling that at least my friend felt sympathy for my pain.

For this reason, when comforting either of my children, I always first state what happened - "you scraped your knee on the step" and then I wait for a response which may be a nod accompanied by vigorous crying.  Then I simply say, "that must have hurt a lot" and continue to hold him securely and quietly until he calms down.  I might add something to calm his fears to the effect of, "I know it stings now but it will go away soon."

Sitting quietly and calmly with a child while they work through a painful moment (physical or emotional) is key to helping them learn to rely on their own emotional resources.  When we rush them on to feeling better, we send the message that difficult emotions must be buried as soon as possible.  When we sit with them in their discomfort and validate their feelings, they learn that whatever emotion they are feeling is okay and will pass with time.

Sitting quietly while a child works through strong emotions can be difficult because as parents, we can feel uncomfortable in such situations as we are so programmed to fix problems.  It's also very possible that our own upbringing didn't equip us with adequate skills to handle emotions or that our current busy lives find us sweeping the tough stuff under the rug and hoping it will go away. I like to think of these moments as yet another opportunity where my children help me to learn and grow as much as I guide them. 

A child's feelings should be acknowledged even if they seem silly or self-centered or irrational.  We don't have to agree with them or condone their actions but it's important to validate the feelings behind the behavior. Whenever Riker is upset, I attempt to put the feelings into words for him. Sometimes just having his parent state the facts about what happened and then identify his feelings is enough to put him at ease. This isn't surprising really as feeling understood is an exceptionally powerful thing.

I also do my best to not scold Riker for having emotions - anger at his brother for knocking down his blocks, frustration at losing in a game or sadness at not going to the park. These are all valid emotions and the child needs assistance to identify and process them so that they can manifest themselves safely and then fade away.  Brushing emotions under the rug or punishing the resulting actions does neither.

A note on using this tactic. When acknowledging, it is more powerful to phrase the sentiment without using the word "but," which has the effect of negating everything said before.  For example, instead of saying "You want to keep playing this fun game together, but I'm too tired," one might say, "You want to keep playing this fun game together. I am very tired; I can't play anymore." The former suggests that my being tired clearly takes precedence over the child's desire for fun and connection but the latter gives equal recognition to both parties and yet clearly states a necessary boundary. 

In summary, this tactic goes like this - listen, acknowledge feelings, validate emotions, and then show confidence in a child's resourcefulness by not getting all wound up and by not rushing in to fix everything. More often than not, by utilizing this tactic, Riker is able to quickly get over upsetting incidents and get back to his naturally joyful state.

Toddler Tactic #7 - Change the Scene

One of Brian's favorite Toddler Tactics to use with the kids when they're being particularly challenging is to simply change the scene.  If they've been at home all day, he'll plonk them into the bike trailer and go for a ride to a playground or just keep riding in hopes of a nice long nap. 

This tactic is really quite simple and effective, but I find it particularly difficult to implement.  If I've decided that Ari should have a nap at home so that I can empty the dishwasher, fold the washing, read some books with Riker and check my email, then I end up feeling pretty determined to make that happen.  Trouble is, sometimes Ari just won't go down easily for his nap and after the third attempt I'm feeling mighty grumpy.  Realizing I'm not going to accomplish half the tasks on my to-do list, I get increasingly frustrated and less and less clear headed.  I should simply change the scene and leave the house, but instead we end up at home all afternoon in a messy house with tired (and bored) kids and a grumpy mama because I'm too disheveled and out of sorts to even make a plan. The kids then keep pulling books off the shelves and dumping bins of toys all over the floor and things spiral in a downward direction. Brian however, in the same day, would have had a tour of cafes and playgrounds and the children would be asleep in the bike trailer by early afternoon.

I'll keep working on this one but in the meantime, I'll try to remember to just go outside if things aren't going smoothly.  That little change of scene coupled with some fresh air really helps to lift the spirits.  And with the kids free to potter about with chickens and run in the yard, I can usually find a minute to sit down and have a cup of tea. And some days, that's all I hope for.

Toddler Tactic #6 - Time-In

The "time-out" is a tactic frequently used on misbehaving children.  Child A pushes child B and consequently receives a solo journey to a corner of the room or another room entirely to think about the error of their ways.

This response has always seemed problematic to me for a couple reasons.  First of all, I don't want to send the message that misbehaving results in the withdrawal of my love and affection.  Second, a child in time-out is not likely to actually spend any time at all pondering their actions or how they affected anyone else involved. A child in time-out is most likely sulking, feeling angry at mum for being so mean or simply daydreaming about something more pleasant than facing a wall.  Finally, time-out is a punishment and while fear of punishment may prevent some children from exhibiting certain behaviors in the future, it does not deal with the more important issue of why a child was behaving unpleasantly in the first place.

To get around all these problems of time-outs, we've taken to using "time-ins." The time-in is a discipline technique that helps to calm an unruly child and get to the root of the problem.  A while back we had visitors over and near the end of the visit, Riker was getting increasingly frustrated with his toys and eventually he just laid down on the carpet and wailed while asking for help to get up, only to keep falling right down on the floor again.  This was a little embarrassing for us as Riker rarely throws tantrums and we both felt frustrated that this was happening while we had guests.

To find out what was going on, Brian scooped him up and took him to the bedroom so that he could help him to calm down and then find out what was going on with him.  He carried on wailing for a while but then Brian learned that he hadn't gone to the toilet all morning and was clearly feeling increasingly miserable and out of sorts. With his nanny visiting and bringing him gifts and then a neighbor popping by coupled with some jealousy issues from seeing Ari nursing, it was all adding up to be too much for the poor guy. His unpleasant behavior was a manifestation of some difficult emotions and sensations he was experiencing and we may not have found the reason for his unpleasant behavior had we used a more traditional means of getting him to cease that behavior. 

The time-in is useful because the parent remains with the child and helps them to find ways to successfully and positively regulate their own emotions. More importantly, it allows the parent to play detective and find out the reasons behind the misbehavior instead of punishing the child for the resulting actions.

Of course, all this isn't to say that time-outs don't have their place....

...in fact I firmly believe that leaving irritating situations behind in order to collect oneself and eat chocolate alone in the bedroom is a perfectly acceptable and sensible thing to do!

Toddler Tactic #5 - Side Door Messages

Most adults love gossip and if we weren't supposed to hear a particular bit of news, it makes it all the juicier! Children are no different and I like to exploit the human tendency to eavesdrop to my advantage.

I mostly use this tactic to reinforce my approval and appreciation of certain behaviors in the hopes that they will be repeated. For example, I'll tell Brian in the course of a "private" conversation about something positive one of the kids did that day.  Such "side door messages" can carry more weight and meaning than overt praise. Or, if I'm feeling silly, I'll whisper a secret to one of their stuffed animals and pretend that they're not supposed to hear it.  "Hey Ted, you should have seen how Riker shared his books with a little girl at the dentist's office this morning. He's so kind and thoughtful!"

There are times when it's a struggle to get past a series of aggravating or difficult behaviors and on these occasions I try to remind myself to use this tactic to focus on the child's innately good qualities in the hopes that overhearing them will remind him to live up to them.

Conversely, it's important to be conscious of the negative messages we might send about our children as we discuss the day with our partners. These negative messages are just as likely, if not more likely, to be overheard and assimilated than our attempts at positive side door messages!

Toddler Tactic #4 -Specific Requests

I hope to teach my children to have good manners so that they can have a lifetime of successful relationships.  Children learn how to use the words please and thank you from their parents only if the parents use those words themselves. So, unless I'm having an unusually grumpy day, I always try to frame my requests as questions. "Excuse me Riker, will you please clean up your toys?"  As a result, I regularly hear Riker say, "excuse me mama." 

Which reminds me of another helpful Toddler Tactic - always make requests as specific as possible.  "Riker, please put the books on the shelf." Once that's completed, I'll ask for the train tracks to go into the box and then for the blocks to go into the middle drawer. These step by step instructions are easier for a small child to follow than a generic, "clean up your toys!"

With young toddlers I've also found the phrase "let's" to be very useful. 'Please' can lose some of its effectiveness if it takes on a pleading tone - "Would you PLEEEEEASE clean up this mess!?" On the other hand, "let's clean up the toys together" is much more likely to actually get the task accomplished and it models partnership and camaraderie.  Anything that gets the job done and keeps both parties feeling happy is a win in my book!

Toddler Tactic #3 - Give Choices

I've used this tactic with great success on many occasions.  For the purpose of this post, I'll outline its application in three common scenarios.

The first use of this tactic is a simple way to gently nudge a toddler in the direction you'd like them to go when they are dawdling or digging their heels into the ground.  This element of the tactic is great for those days when just getting out of the house seems like a monumental undertaking.  One of the best ways I've found to get us moving is to offer a series of choices.  "Okay, it's time to get shoes on.  Would you like to wear the red sandals or the blue shoes?"  Once we get past that hurdle, we can move on to the next step. "Do you want to walk to the car or should I carry you?"  This little trick gives the child some control of the means along the way to my desired end.  (An important note - in order for this tactic to work, it must always be used genuinely.  Never ever conceal a threat as one of the choices. "Do you want to put on your shoes or go without dessert?" will undermine your attempts at genuine choices in the future.)

The second application of this tactic is probably my favorite of all because it is so reliable yet so thoughtful of everyone involved.  It calls on a toddlers sense of independence and helpfulness and almost always gets the result I'm seeking.  It works like this.  Say a child has taken something out of a drawer that you do not want them to play with.  Perhaps you've asked them to put it back, but your request went unheeded.  The next step is to calmly state the problem and offer a choice that will resolve it to your satisfaction.  "That book is very special to mama.  It must go back in the drawer.  Is Riker going to put it back or should mama?"  I have found that those simple statements work like magic and until recently, the answer was always "Riker do it!" It's important to remember that the request  must be given in a completely calm and unemotional voice for it work, however.  If you sound frantic or angry or like you're giving an order, the magic is lost.

This tactic also works a treat in conflicts over snatched toys.  "Riker, Jago was playing with that truck and he is sad that you took it from him.  The truck needs to go back to Jago and you can have a turn later.  Would you like to give it back, or should mama?" If the other child is wailing in the background, I will apologize to him or her and ask them to please wait a moment.  I like to use the situation as an opportunity to help my child empathize with the one who feels sadness or anger over the lost toy while I calmly carry on with the request.  If the child runs away or refuses to give the toy back, I will repeat the choice (again with as little emotion as possible).  If it doesn't work, I will return the toy feeling confident that I used a gentle negotiation strategy first.  Then I remind my child that he can have a turn later, but it is very important to ask or offer to trade before taking a toy. Read more about my thoughts on toddlers, empathy and apologies.

In each of these examples, offering a choice is a terrific way to finesse a positive outcome out of a challenging situation in such a way that both parties can feel that their desires were respected and accommodated.

Toddler Tactic #2 - Eye Level

Life is busy and nearly every day I've got errands to run, appointments to attend and/or meals to cook.  If you and I think our lives are busy, imagine how this dizzying array of activity must feel to a little person who sees the great big world from knee height.  It's probably scary and frustrating and overwhelming at times (for both of us!).  I'm pretty sure I'd be grateful for anyone who was willing to get down and speak to me on my level if I was a little person. 

For this reason, before asking a toddler to change course, I've found it really helpful to get down on the ground at eye level and involve myself in what he's doing.  I might help to build the tower up really high or ask why all the teddy bears are sitting in a row.  This conveys my interest in him and his play, but also demonstrates respect for his play.  After we've interacted for a few minutes, I will then suggest that some other action is required on his part.  My words are far more likely to be heeded if they haven't been delivered in a barking tone from across the room.

I have found this tactic to be really helpful when Riker is upset as well.  I know that I feel more understood when a friend sits down beside me, looks me in the eye and offers the occasional nod and smile.  The same goes for toddlers.  Bending down, gently touching their arm and looking them in the eye goes a long way to helping them find the resources to calm themselves.